I realize I’m a little late to the New Year’s Resolution party.  Most people have already made and broken their resolutions by now and I’m still listening to holiday music on Pandora and eating stale Christmas cookies.  I’m not overly worried about this situation because I’m not devising any big, life-changing mandates this year.  As a matter of fact, I’m not making any New Year’s resolutions at all.  (I can hear the gasps already.)  In the course of growing older and (arguably) wiser, I’ve decided that they are a big, fat waste of time.  (More gasping.)  This seemingly harsh and somewhat cynical opinion is derived from years of frustration and failure.  While I maintain a general dislike of all categories of resolutions, below I’m listing five specific resolutions that most certainly have (or could) cause me considerable physical, mental, and/or emotional anguish.  Therefore, I officially state I am not attempting these resolutions in 2012 (or any other year, for that matter).

The Five Resolutions I’ve Resolved Not To Make This Year

1. Lose ten, fifteen, or twenty pounds.  I honestly wish I knew how much of my life I’ve dedicated to torturing my body (and soul) for a certain number on the scale.  I’ve learned two things from all the futile deprivation.  First, a cream-filled doughnut will always taste better to me than being thin feels.  Always.  That is just cold, hard truth and I accept it as such.  Second, losing weight for vanity’s sake will never be enough motivation for me to eat well.  The diagnosis of a potentially debilitating chronic disease, on the other hand, works like a charm to encourage healthy eating.  When I focus on health instead of weight loss, I lose weight.  And it stays off.  Without effort.  Who knew?

2. Organize my life. The pile of books I have on organization is a visual testament to the investment I’ve made into bringing order to the chaos that is my life.  Interest in a topic does not necessarily equate to actual success, however.  I’ve drawn one conclusion from all the failed organization attempts I’ve made over the years.  The endeavor takes far more time and effort that I am willing to invest.  I would just rather be doing other things than making a three-ring binder of all the household chores to be done for the next year organized by month, day, and chore-doer.  Organizing underwear by color and style?  No thank you.  Call me a slacker if you must, but I’ve finally made peace with the bedlam created by my family and me.

3. Simplify my life.  This was a hard one to give up, I must admit.  Whenever I read about individuals who have managed to down-size and simplify, I am impressed and just a tiny bit jealous.  Their lives sound so Utopian.  Who would not want less stuff, less worry, less stress?  Realistically, with a husband, three active kids, two cats, a home renovation, and a college degree in the works, trying to simplify my life is a monumental effort in futility.  While I love the concept, it isn’t even a remote possibility at this time in my life.  Just between you and me, I’m beginning to believe that I thrive on complication. A simplified life?  Pshhh.  Instead of wishing for something I can’t have, I’m embracing what is in front of me.  I say, “Bring on the complicated!”  At least I am never bored.

4.  Go to bed at 10 pm.  I understand the health and beauty benefits of getting enough sleep each night.  Heaven knows I want to slow the aging process as much as I possibly can without plastic surgery.  But, 10 pm? I finally decided I will never accomplish this resolution for two reasons.  I am a night owl to the very core.  I have been for most of my life.  Mr. Whimsey is as well.  It goes against our very nature to force sleep at such an early hour on a regular basis.  Also, nighttime is quiet time at my house.  I can’t wait for the kids to go to bed so that I can enjoy some stillness and peace.  Now that the kids are staying up later, this quiet time also gets pushed back later and later as well.  The whole bed time thing comes down to this: I’ll take a quiet midnight for relaxing over health and beauty any day.  I may be a prematurely wrinkled mess but I will be enjoying every late night minute of it.

And finally….

5.  Train for a marathon.  In all truthfulness, I’ve never made this resolution.  However, I’ve noticed that many, many other people are making this resolution for 2012 and I feel I must explain why I’m not jumping on the ultimate running bandwagon.  It’s simple, really.  I hate to run.  It’s uncomfortable and hard.  I would rather turn my body into a pretzel with yoga, repeatedly lift my own body weight until absolute muscle fatigue, or walk one hundred miles without rest than run twenty-six miles.  I’m unable to wrap my mind around the concept.  I cannot fathom why anyone would want to inflict such torment upon their own bodies.  I’ve seen what marathoners look like when they run – all pain and agony.  I also know what they look like when they finish running.  They can barely stand and shuffle their feet.  Was it fun?  Did they have a good time?  I think not.  Thanks, but I think I’ll just skip the whole experience.  My life is challenging and fulfilling enough right now without beating my body to a pulp with a marathon stick.

What a relief to be removing these millstones from around my neck!  Now I feel free and unfettered to really enjoy 2012 as it unfolds before me.  Regardless of the goodness or badness that comes my way this year,  I’m ready to embrace it.

Happy Resolution-Free New Year!